Bill Malkin

As you may be aware, the Australian Government has taken the very sensible step of embarking on a program of mass surveillance of all Australians. This is being done as it may possibly reduce the risk of terrorism. Some have made the preposterous remark however that domestic violence is a form of terrorism but the Government is understandably more concerned about opportunities for international grandstanding and creating a national culture of fear than the safety of thousands of Australian women and children living in constant danger.

Our company, Metadata R Us, have had a great deal of experience in the Metadata space and now propose a crowdfunded project, financed by ordinary, everyday, concerned Australians, that will provide a fully developed Data Retention system at a rock-bottom price. This deal is not to be missed and is available this week only. But please wait, there is more…

Metadata R Us are proud to have assisted in many ways in the development of Metadata theory and the expansion of Data Retention practice. Our consulting work in this regard includes the following:

1. Advising the Government to use the term “Data Retention” rather than “Metadata Retention”, as it is actually data, not metadata, they are collecting.

2. Training George Brandis in the meaning of metadata, how it differs from data, and how to confuse himself and the Australian voters through his unique and ingenious media skills.

3. Training Malcolm Turnbull in how to succinctly and accurately explain the difference between metadata and data, without divulging that it isn't actually metadata that is going to be collected.

4. Training the Labor Party in advanced implosion techniques.

5. Training politicians on the many ways of avoiding the retention of their own data.

6. Keeping the politicians focused on the importance of “metadata” and the benefits of channeling hundreds of millions of dollars to global surveillance companies, rather than effectively tackling the hidden terrorism of domestic violence.

There have been a number of statements made by various nefarious “experts” that might imply that the data retention scheme is unworkable. These statements are disgraceful fabrications and our responses to some of these heresies are stated below:

1. We absolutely reject the 9/11 Report on the failure of American espionage organisations that found there was too much emphasis on technology.

2. We are in complete denial of the fact that free and readily available web browser plugins and other software and hardware products will enable all Australians to easily avoid having any data relating to their Internet usage being collected.

3. Certainly Telstra has run out of IPv4 addresses to allocate to their customers and are therefore looking at using IP address sharing technologies such as CGNET. This means that an IP Address will no longer be linked to a single computer/person. We fervently repudiate however, statements made by Internet-related standards organisations such as ISOC saying that this will harm data retention in that it will be very difficult to associate "metadata" with an individual. (We do grudgingly admit though, that the use of IP address sharing technologies and the transition from IPv4 to IPv6 (a) is causing considerable confusion in the communications industry, (b) will considerably increase the complexity of data retention, and (c) will continue to markedly impact data retention design, development and operation for many years to come.)

4. We indignantly cast aspersions upon Sir David Omand, the former Whitehall security and intelligence co-coordinator, when he babbles on with “even with the most brilliantly accurate test imaginable, your risk of false positives increases to unworkably high levels, as the outcome you are trying predict becomes rarer in the population you are examining”. (Please note that a “false positive” is a euphemism for being raided at 2:00 am by a herd of ill-mannered, overly-eager fellows with enough firepower, and a burning desire, to destroy not only your home but an entire suburb. However, you simply need to check that your home and life insurances adequately cover you for collateral damage.)

It is true that it has not yet been determined what data will be retained and, although our politicians have started to come to grips with the concepts of “data” and “metadata”, they have recently been floored trying to grapple with the concept of a “database”. I’m afraid we have a long way to go before a fully specified data retention scheme can be determined, let alone put into place in the fast evolving global networking environment that is the Internet.

Metadata R Us are building a complete Data Retention system initially for a mere $10,000 that will, judging by the track record of governments in software development, quickly escalate to at least a billion dollars. The architecture of our system is described thusly.

First of all we have decided upon the type of data we will be collecting. This will be data specifically relating to incidences of clear and present terrorist activity, ie domestic violence - violence that keeps thousands of mostly women and children in a state of constant terror and results in many of their deaths every year.

The system will be a website in which victims, neighbours, social workers, relatives, friends and all those fighting the terrorism of domestic violence will be able to register details of any terrorist activities they witness. This data will be retained in an encrypted form and the website will display de-identified textual and graphical reports. For every incident of domestic violence recorded, it will alert, by email, each and every one of those in government and opposition who have voted for data retention. If they do not care about victims of domestic violence and request to be unsubscribed, then this will be done immediately and reported on the website.

Metadata R Us greatly look forward to the design, development, implementation and operation of this data retention scheme, and very much hope that this will lead to an increased awareness of this terrorist activity, and in turn result in a substantial reduction of terrorism within our borders.

The funds will be used to keep me fed and housed while I write this system, ie $800 per week ($20 per hour), as well as to pay for the rewards earned by investors. If the Australian Government does take realistic steps towards eradicating the terrorism of domestic violence in this country, then all unused monies will be refunded. Hopefully this project will actually make the Government and Opposition realise the folly of their shallow, illogical and uninformed thinking.

I sincerely hope that the considerable amount of taxpayer's money earmarked for the data retention scheme, a scheme that will so obviously do much more harm than good, is diverted into a scheme that addresses the existing, very real and very tragic forms of terrorism in this country. However, if the Government and Opposition prove to be bull-headed about this then, as well as neutering their ridiculous and dangerous policy, we will also demonstrate to these computer illiterate bumblers the democratising power of modern-day information technology and, dare I say it, Science!

If a lot of incidents of terrorism are reported on this website  then it will require a fairly hefty server to run the web server, hold all the data and send all the emails!