The Chaser Quarterly

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The Chaser was founded in 1999, originally as a fortnightly satirical paper. About six years later, after 99.94 editions, as well as numerous Chaser Annuals, the newspaper was folded to give the team time to dedicate themselves to what they thought would be a vastly more profitable enterprise: building their Friendster profiles.

Unfortunately, our initial financial projections about the profitability of our Friendster business model proved somewhat over-optimistic, and the team was forced into the indignity of hosting popular television shows just to make ends meet. Some even ended up on Channel 7.

And so, 16 years after The Chaser started in print, and nearly five years after we last updated our website, The Chaser has decided to return to its roots, in the form of The Chaser Quarterly.

The Chaser Quarterly addresses the key problem of our time: namely – there is not enough content in this world.

Using a unique patent-pending Content Generation System (writing), our highly trained Chaser Content Specialists (writers), will use bleeding-edge, state of the art technology (computers) to create long-form graphical internet essays (memes), tailor-made for a world bereft of content.

Given the current furore over coal-fired power in Australia, we have decided to take an important environmental stand, and supply our content in a portable format that requires absolutely no electricity to consume – by firing up the printing presses once again. That’s right – we’ve having a party and Gutenberg himself is invited. 100 pages, full colour, B4, on the kind of paper stock that makes Etsy users go weak at the knees. If that’s not going to be a collectors item, I don’t know what is.

Okay, so... but... what is it?

If the Pozible campaign is successful, the first edition will be published in the Spring of 2015. It will be B5 size, 96 pages, on nice uncoated matt stock (we will attempt to steal the exact stock specs from Frankie magazine). The articles will also be available on the Chaser website, through a leaky paywall. 

It will include contributions from many of the original contributors, including David Stewart, Shane Cubis, Andrew Hansen, Chris Taylor, Craig Reucassel, Fiona Katauskas, Andrew Weldon, Oliver Watts, Johanna Featherstone and Gregor Stronach as well as a host of new contributors, including David Hunt (Girt), James Jericho (The Shovel), Stewart McCure (Theatresports) and Nik & Kristian Barron (nothing notable).










The Chaser's proposed Irish headquarters
(The Chaser's proposed Irish headquarters. Source: Apple).


这种类型的结构并不便宜。政府费用相对来说便宜(大约$400 - $500元税务),我们会花费一部分钱在税务顾问上面。因此,我们的费用包括了2,000刀的申请费和几百万美元的税务律师。



然后有$28,000的生产成本。这些措施包括印刷出版($ 15 000),配送成本($6000名),邮资($ 2,000)及公关及推广($5,000)。






如果你还不确定谁是追踪者,那没有什么比互联网能够得到更好的信息了,维基百科的化身 - 这绝对是任何人都可以编辑的百科全书:




(One of the rainforests we've pre-logged to ensure ample supply of paper for the Chaser Quarterly)
此外,一些关键小组成员已经开发了嗜睡症在Logies酒店头部受伤。这对于他们来说可能是一个挑战。为了克服这个问题,我们已经排到了 - 通过 - 几个孟加拉国的作家,谁可以真正写出对于澳洲的批判遵从他们内心。



How The Funds Will Be Used

Like Apple and Google, we feel it is important to set up a "tax effective" offshore corporate structure, so that we're not dragged down by the onerous burden of paying tax to fund Australia's hospitals, schools and roads.

The Chaser's proposed Irish headquarters
(The Chaser's proposed Irish headquarters. Source: Apple).

The structure that we wish to set up is known in tax avoidance circles as the Double Irish Dutch Sandwich, and it involves setting up our global headquarters in Ireland and making sure all our intellectual property is owned there, and then washing our vast profits through Luxembourg first, before heading off to Bermuda to accumulate peacefully in a blissful, stateless and (most importantly) tax-minimised existence.

This type of structure does not come cheap. The government filing fees are relatively inexpensive (around $400-$500 per tax haven), but it’s the tax consultants where we’ll be spending the bulk of our money. So let’s chalk that up as $2,000 for filing fees and several million dollars on tax lawyers.

Of course, just because we’ll be a stateless entity accountable to nobody doesn’t mean we won’t be transparent about these arrangements. Indeed, in each edition of The Chaser Quarterly, there will be a full report from the Chief Financial Officer, which will innumerate in clear accountable terms, just how many public hospital beds we've managed to avoid funding through our – completely legal – tax minimisation.

This is also apply to all other aspects of our sprawling global conglomerate. The CFO will also be responsible for annual reports outlining any incidences of child labour in our supply chain, and quantifying exactly how much money such practices save you, the consumer, each year.

Then there are $28,000 in production costs. These include printing the publication ($15,000), distribution costs ($6,000), postage ($2,000) and PR and promotion ($5,000).

Then there are management costs. The Chaser has always tried to replicate the management structures of the companies it most admires. Luckily, the companies we most admire happen to be those with the highest Gini co-efficient. In particular, Pimco which has a more unequal pay structure than the most unequal country on earth. In fact, at Pimco, the top six employees (0.3% of their workforce) take home 25% of the pay. That gives us all something to aspire to, really.

However, for the sake of appearances, The Chaser team members have agreed to be paid in kind. In particular, in a kind of caviar, known as Beluga caviar. It costs around $9,995 per kilogram, and it is quite delicious so we’re going to need a couple of kilos. Let’s call it $20,000 to be safe. Plus we’ll need some Moet to wash it down, so let’s call it an even $25,000.

Whatever is left over after all these essential costs are paid first, will be divided evenly among the creatives: the writers, cartoonists, illustrators and graphic designers. We’re sure they’ll be willing to do it for the love of their craft, as well as the exposure from being in such a prestigious publication. But it’s good to pay them something. Let’s call it $300.

This brings the total budget to $2,055,300 (including tax lawyers), which means that if we raise $50,000, we should be in for a healthy tax loss of $2,005,300. Happy days.

The Challenges

The main challenges in delivering this project will probably be coping with the extraordinary demand for such an amazing product. We will be pre-logging several old-growth rainforests just in case demand exceeds our initial projections and we urgently need extra woodchips to make enough paper.

(One of the rainforests we've pre-logged to ensure ample supply of paper for the Chaser Quarterly)

Also, several key team members have developed narcolepsy following head injuries sustained in the rush to get onstage at the Logies. Getting them to deliver copy in time may be a challenge. In order to overcome this issue, we have lined up – through – several Bangladeshi writers, who are standing by to be able to ghost-write blistering Australian political satire from their sweatshop in Dhaka.

on 24th Sep 2015 at 7:59am. The payment portal is closed now.
A$15 +SubscriptionMake your friends jealous by being the first to get The Chaser Quarterly. By choosing this reward, you will get The Chaser Quarterly delivered to your door every quarter. Plus you'll get full access behind The Chaser Quarterly's leaky paywall. Plus the feeling of pride that comes from making The Chaser Quarterly happen. Cancel your subscription at any time.
199 Chosen | Unlimited AvailableEst. delivery is December 2015
A$25 +The first editionWe will mail you a first edition of The Chaser Quarterly (Spring 2015). This lovingly printed 100 page, full colour B5 volume is a perfect gift, a wonderful addition to your coffee table and/or toilet, and also something you might want to even read at some point, if you get around to it, after you've checked your Facebook feed on your smartphone.
227 Chosen | Unlimited AvailableEst. delivery is October 2015
A$40 +Father's Day SpecialGive something truly special to that person who doesn't tidy up around the house as much as they should. Select this reward before 5pm on Father's Day and you'll get: - A personalised "The Chaser's Certificate of Fatherhood" emailed to you in time to print out for Father's Day - Special 8-page report PDF "The Chaser's Guide to Having a Baby" also emailed to you to print out. - The first edition of The Chaser Quarterly mailed to your special(-ish) man, when it comes out.
10 Chosen | Unlimited AvailableEst. delivery is October 2015
A$50 +Signed first editionWant something that you can show to your grandkids, and be able to say, "See, I was there when The Chaser went back into print, even though it was 2015." Well, this is the choice for you. You get a copy of The Chaser Quarterly, signed by all the members of The Chaser team. The perfect gift for someone who enjoys books that have been defaced.
152 Chosen | 148 AvailableEst. delivery is October 2015
A$75 +Aussie Pride SubscriptionDo you like booing at footy matches but only at black players, but not because you're racist? Do you think boat people shouldn't jump the queue, unless they can afford a $19,000 processing fee? Do you think that Aborigines should go back to where they came from? Well the Aussie Pride Membership is specially designed to take your money from you! You get an annual subscription, PLUS a personalised "Green and Gold" Membership Card. Hurry, only available to the first 22 million Australians!
63 Chosen | 21999937 AvailableEst. delivery is September 2016
A$100 +Back issue of The ChaserSelect this option, and we'll send you a first edition of The Chaser Quarterly, as well as a random back issue of the newspaper, some of which weren't too bad. For lovers of vintage satire. Pledge more than $150, and we'll give you a list of available editions, and you can choose which one you want (completely subject to availability -- not every edition is available).
5 Chosen | 25 AvailableEst. delivery is November 2015
A$125 +Your name in printWe will send you the first edition of The Chaser Quarterly, and print your name in it, thanking you for making it happen, but also pointing out that you didn't contribute quite as much as the Platinum Members. Thanks. No, really.
6 Chosen | 994 AvailableEst. delivery is October 2015
A$199 +Platinum MembershipBe the envy of your friends! You get the next four editions of The Chaser Quarterly delivered to your door, plus a special LIMITED EDITION platinum membership card to flash around whenever you're feeling lonely or unpopular. PLUS, we will list your name in the publication acknowledging your role as a platinum member, and send you a personally signed letter of apology from The Chaser. Plus, we promise to remove your personal details from our database, before we sell it to unscrupulous marketers.
23 Chosen | 77 AvailableEst. delivery is September 2016
A$350 +Rare - 1st Chaser AnnualOne only. Signed copy of the extremely-appropriately-named "Little-Read Book", which was the first Chaser Annual, printed way back in 2000. Featuring topical news satire that was hilarious when it was printed 15 years ago. Includes a special section on the Sydney 2000 Olympics (remember them?) A bit worn, thanks to the passage of time. Perfect gift for anyone who likes out of date jokes.
0 Chosen | 1 AvailableEst. delivery is October 2015
A$400 +Rare - 1st edition3 only. For the connoisseur of satire with a refined taste for maderised vintages. Not so much for reading, as for admiring from afar, and pondering "How the hell did they not give up immediately?" Includes the classic headline "Kremlin Denies Health Concerns At Yeltsin Funeral". Any resemblance to a student newspaper is purely coincidental. (This item is almost certainly not worth the price, and buying one should be considered an act of pure charity, for which we will be eternally grateful.)
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A$500 +Your Idea in PrintOkay, so this reward isn't for everyone. This is only for extra talented people, who have great skill, wit and creativity. If you choose this, you're almost certainly very good looking. Anyway, if you choose this, you can send us an idea (or entire article) for The Chaser Quarterly, and we will help you write/edit it into a piece for The Chaser Quarterly, and then lay it up. (Note: This does not guarantee it a place in the publication... but if it's good enough, who knows?)
3 Chosen | 7 AvailableEst. delivery is October 2015
A$1500 +Full page adThat's right, you can run a full page ad in The Chaser Quarterly, which will have an initial print run of 6000 copies, distributed in newsagents throughout Australia. (Please note, that The Chaser is only accepting ads that can allow us to accept your filthy lucre while appearing to retain a shred of integrity. Therefore, your ad must adhere to our Advertising Guidelines. In particular, "your ad must fundamentally undermine the product it is seeking to sell").
1 Chosen | 19 AvailableEst. delivery is October 2015
A$5000 +A Day At The OfficeYou and five friends or colleagues can spend a day hanging out in the offices of The Chaser Quarterly. We'll work out something to make it interesting. If it's a Friday, we'll even treat you to a long lunch with whoever is around. Hopefully there'll be a visiting dignitary in town. (Note: Bail is not included.)
1 Chosen | Unlimited AvailableEst. delivery is October 2015
A$10000 +The SingoBack in the halcyon days of The Chaser, back in our salad days, when we were green of judgement, we wrote a cheeky letter to John Singleton asking for money from him. In return, he cut us a cheque for $10k. Great times. Do you want to become a Singo to The Chaser Quarterly? All it takes is a measly $10k, and you'll be credited, in perpetuity, as a Singo: the highest honour an Australian can achieve. (Note: in order to place this order, you must be utterly drunk).
0 Chosen | Unlimited AvailableEst. delivery is October 2015
A$15000 +"Firth in the USA" shootBe flown to the USA to join Charles Firth and crew on the shoot of a "Firth in the USA" Republican primaries special in October 2015. Price includes return airfares ex Sydney, and four nights accommodation in the US (but not food and beer).
0 Chosen | Unlimited AvailableEst. delivery is October 2015